It's me

A long, long time ago, in a more innocent age (just talking about myself you understand), there were magazines called 'Dawn' and 'Dawn Train' and I had a back page column in these. Now the Headitor has asked me to come out from under the carpet to write a Cyberspace Column 'something people won't be able to put down' (I hope you're not carrying your monitor around with you). 'How could I refuse?' (as the citizen said desperately looking for the rubbish dump). Anyway, it's guid tae bee bac (request for grant for promoting Ullans/Ulcer Scotch hereby requested). Watch this. Cast a cold eye on life, on death, horseman pass by (because there'll almost certainly be very little about horses even if someone with a similar name is found astride them on gable ends around certain parts of Norn Iron).

Dalai Lama goes Belfastic
Did you catch the Dalai Lama's gig at the Ulster Hall in Belfast? It was great (though I felt more inclined to greet him in the Buddhist manner than cheers, claps and shouts). Juliet Turner, who was on after him, said he was the best supporting act they'd ever had! Good to hear him uttering the word 'nonviolence' as well, linking it with compassion. It was a simple message though as myself and my neighbour seemed to agree, being simple is very complex. If someone without his standing, humility, compassion and self-deprecating humour came out with the same words then it would have sounded completely different. Which is maybe another message about nonviolence. What you say is one thing. But without the integrity behind the words, forget it. Thanks to Amnesty for an evening to be remembered. PS The video will be available from Amnesty - NI - watch this or a nearby space.

How to be Greatly Humble
But it set me thinking. How do you get the maximum temporal advantage and ego boost from the visit of a Great Spiritual Leader (Dalai Lama/Pope/Archbishop Tutu/Does the Archbishop of Canterbury count in this category?) Here are the simple guidelines; 1) Make sure you receive invitation to private gathering to welcome Great Spiritual Leader. 2) Refuse invitation because you have a prior invitation to do 'x' and couldn't possibly break it. 3) Let everyone know you got the invite (and are therefore among the elect/select few) but wouldn't possibly let the people at 'x' down (thus demonstrating that there are more important things for you to do than meeting Great Spiritual Leaders and that you are A Really Dedicated Person Above Rubbing Shoulders With The Mighty). Try it sometime. Worked for me. I must be getting really close to nirvana.

Orangemen on The Falls Road
The visit of the DL to Belfast reminded me of the time Japanese Buddhist monks came to Belfast as part of a peace pilgrimage at the height of the international nuclear disarmament movement of the early 80s (1980s not 1880s). Anyway, this peace activist who shall remain nameless was zooming around trying to find them as they did their walk up the Shankill and down the Falls (or vice versa) as he wanted to return a book which had been borrowed. This was proving difficult as our comrade hadn't allowed on them taking a sandwich break in Woodvale Park. Coming across a school crossing warden on the Falls, he asked the lollipop man had he seen any Buddhist monks, and, since they're not that common in those there parts added "they're dressed in orange robes". Without batting an eyelid, the lollipop man replied "This is the wrong road for Orange Men!"

Celtic Tiger Needs To Get A Clue
Did you ever see a more thoughtless, preposterous advert for Irish Defence Forces recruitment than the current one, 'The Celtic Tiger needs more claws'? What are they saying? Softening us up for joining the Western European Army? Proposing the Republic become a superpower? Tear animals and any available people apart limb from limb? WARNING: Do not, on any account, do what I did (as you may be liable to criminal prosecution) and get a big black marker and add 'Santa' before 'claws'. That would be turning an appalling poster into a) laugh, and possibly b) a political message.

Feeling a Right Charlie
So Charles J Haughey (CJH - christened Cathal wasn't he?) may escape the Wrath of Taxpayers in the Republic by going and dying of prostate cancer, or at the very least Doing a Pinochet (and seeming too ill) before he can be brought fully to book for his corrupt acts. Personally I'd prefer him to live to face the music (maybe someone can think of a suitably discordant piece?). But it reminds me of the old one - "What's the difference between CJD and CJH?" Answer - you can catch CJD.

Cartoon of the Month
This will be an occasional reference to my favourite cartoon of the recent past. The first award has to go to Ian Knox, 'Irish News' cartoonist, for his depiction in the issue of 10th October of the opening of the Northern Ireland Civic Forum as an Ark with 'Noah' welcoming on board two of all species… "Two Orangemen, two business women, two trade unionists, two concerned residents…" Here's also hoping the Ark of the Assembly can stay afloat long enough to get moving and leave some of the Apocalypse merchants way, way out of their depth. Then even they might want to wholeheartedly climb on board.

Slan Abhaile
Anyhow, that's my lot for this month, I hope to be with you 'only in the cyberspace edition' of 'Nonviolent News' on a regular basis - Yours truly, madly, in too deeply, Billy 'Boy' King. PS If you come across any absurdities you'd like me to mention, gentle reader (notice the singular) you know where to get me (no, not the jugular, and if you really are a Celtic tiger, pray, perhaps you could find some other prey?). PS I saw a poet shopping in my local Dunnes Stores one time which made me write a momentous piece of epic poetry:

"I saw a poet
Shopping in Dunnes -
I presume for bread,
And not for puns."

I think I must have already bought up all the puns.