Hello, hello again there, whether you're in Benburb, Louisburg or Pittsburg (yes, the site was featured on web radio in the US of A so we've been getting custom there, howdy neighbours, including whoever it was logged on from a US military base). Remember to send me in any useless information you think may be on interest to Our Reader and I'll share it with the unireverse.

THE Adolf Awards
We are proud to revive the old and dishonourable tradition, begun by 'Dawn' magazine more than twenty years ago, of having annual Adolf Awards, named after the best known person of the 20th century with that first name. Here is my nominations for the last year, after long and exhaustive consideration (five minutes) and wide consultation (looking into my heart has never been easier). And now that you know we're doing it, I'd be pleased to receive nominations at any stage in the year for next year's Hall of Infamy awards. Send them to Billy <innate@ntlworld.com> Anyway, here's the fanfare - duh, duh, duh, duh -

• Balls of Brass, Feet of Gold Award: To Liam Lawlor, Charles J Haughey and all the politicians and officials who thought they could get away with feathering their own nests while fouling up everyone else's.
• GAA-GAA All-Star Hurling (Abuse) Award: Well, it has to be Sammy Wilson for his admitted ignorance when verbally abusing the Dalai Lama prior to his visit to Belfast. No one is above criticism but you'd think Sammy could have spared 5 minutes in his local library so that he knew what he was talking about - or was he trying to show loyalist macho by parading his ignorance?
• Survivor of the Year Award: This has to be David Trimble. Let's hope he is eligible for the same award this time next year or it's likely to be the Good (Bye) Friday Agreement.
• Multi-Cultural Award: To Aine Ni Chonaill and all those seeking to protect the 'purity' of the Irish nation - for reminding us of everything we disliked about the old Ireland, and why new blood is essential for the future.
• International Democracy Award: To the US electoral system, for showing us how it shouldn't be done.
• Promotion of Healthy Eating (Bananas) Award: To all those in the North who thought we could continue 'as usual'' without addressing the issues of sectarianism, violence and bigotry.
• Nobel Dynamite Award for Peace: To John Hume and David Trimble for supporting the global arms industry so strongly with their fulsome welcome to Raytheon in Derry. You're going great guns, lads.

Millen-dee-dum
And welcome to the Real, False Millennium. If we were on the Planet Zog, which has only 301 days in its year, and 17 hours 23 minutes Earth-time in its day, 2000 Earth years would be the equivalent of xxxx Zog-years (you can work it out but I'm not going to) (on second thoughts, don't bother). Such is our search for meaning and our cultural-specificity here on Earth that we turned what was supposedly (but wasn't) the 2,000th Earth anniversary of Jesus' birth into a BIG Bash, something entirely dependent on the length of our Earth-years and our system of counting . But as you mathematicians out there know, 2,000 years from the wrongly-calculated date (we missed it by some few years) takes us to 2001 (as there was no 0AD/CE, the numbering began with retrospective labelling of 1 AD/CE. So 1st January this year was the Real False Millennium. Happy Real False Millennium to you. [Ed - What on earth is this all about - and can I wish many happy returns to the Planet Zog to you, Billy, or maybe just a single ticket].

A post-seasonal game
But, I hope you still have your Christmas cards sitting around somewhere (just like you still have a few left-over decorations lurking around that aren't put away, and that's what they do, lurk accusingly at you) because I have come up with a brilliant new game to amaze your friends. For this you need cards with doves on them (if stuck, partridges in pear trees will do but for the game to work properly you really need cards with doves, of any kind). Get your dove cards (you can play by yourself or with any number of friends). Line them up on a table. Then, with a flick of your index finger see how near to the opposite edge of the table you can shove the cards without going over the edge of the table - the card furthest over the edge wins. I call this game, 'Shove your doves.' (copyright, Billy King Enterprises, 2001, portents pending). [Ed interjection/explanation; 'Shove your doves' is otherwise known as a loyalist paramilitary slogan in Northern Ireland indicating a rejection of the peace process and anything to do with 'peace'].

Mandy man combat
And so, in less time than it takes to say 'Secret-ary of State', Peter Mandelson was no longer Her Majesty's top political representative in Norn Iron, and John Reid was in his place (was John Taylor's radio comment about not being sure about Reid supporting Celtic - football team - dry tongue in cheek or just cheeky sectarianism, since Reid is the first Catholic as Secretary of State?). Anyhow, Mandelson's second fall goes to prove what gardeners in favour of mauve self-seeding flowers in the spring time would say - that 'Honesty really is the best policy'? Meanwhile, with the ousting of John Brutal from the helm, there isn't a woman in the running for boring 'oul Fine Gael's leader-ship in the Republic - which means we won't be able to come out with our pun about 'fine gal y'are' - what a pity.

Christy Winner
By request for Christmas I received Christy Moore's book 'One Voice - My life in song' where he shares 250 of the songs he has sung over the years and weaves his prose around them, an unconventional but fascinating biography, often brutally honest as you would expect. I don't agree with every single thing Christy Moore has stood for - but then if it comes to the bit which of us fully agrees with ourselves over the years (unless we're stuck on autopilot). But it's a great book to dip into and out of. Christy Moore is the winner of my own competition for political relevance. I keep a list of songs and music, mainly from folk and traditional sources but some rock, blues, classical etc, which I would use for workshops and meetings - to illustrate a point, to provide an introduction or a break or ending. My listing gives artist/group/composer, the song, album, and what it's about or could be used for. Christy Moore has 25 entries (and joint runners-up, with a dozen apiece, are Eric Bogle and Tommy Sands). Great stuff, Christy. I can recommend the book.

Life's a Peach
We could have a regular feature on names that get mixed up [an irate letter writer to the Belfast 'Newsletter' once deliberately referred to INNATE as 'INANE'!]. The Churches' Peace Education Programme in Belfast recently received an official letter where 'Peach' was substituted for 'Peace'. Which could lead to interesting lines of work. You may or may not know that peaches are actually notoriously difficult to educate, in fact it's a rotten job which is ripe for further investment though it can get under your skin (so fur so good). Peach education obviously needs lots of resources and could be a burgeoning enterprise for the future with plenty of field trips to warmer climes where peaches perform better, leading to plenty of (fruit) salad days. Don't apply for that peach of a grant before I do. And that's not even to mention the Peach Process in Norn Iron (maybe the fact that its periodically frozen up has to do with the climate) - and maybe also that's why some of the people opposed to it still like throwing stones. [Ed- You're obviously going soft in the head, if not over-ripe with your hyperbole] (Billy to Ed - which reminds me, how was your holiday schnapps, did they turn out well?)

Drug memorial
How many cities in the world have memorials to people who have died as victims of drugs? Dublin's one, in Buckingham Street in the inner city which was erected towards the end of 2000, is an interesting one of a 'flaming hand'. Passing by recently I saw the first bit of a graffito (which as you wordsmiths know is the singular of graffiti) - just a bit of a yellow line, maybe from an aerosol. I thought - uh oh, is that the start with it ending up as an unwelcome target for the graffiti merchants? But an hour later a local woman and some young people were standing there having just removed the mark. Well done. I'm all in favour of graffiti in the right place to brighten up dull urban wallscapes but that certainly isn't a place for it.