Dastardly Dealings
Question; What have the following got in common? Cork, Cloyne and Ross Diocesan Board of Education; Drumlegagh Presbyterian Church, Newtownstewart; Main St, Garvagh, Presbyterian Church; Orphan Society of the Non-Subscribing Presbyterian Church of Ireland; Presbyterian Church in Ireland; Presbyterian Church in Ireland Ministers Pensions Scheme; Protestant Orphan Society for Antrim and Down; St Stephen's Protestant Orphan Society, Cork; Victoria Hospital, Cork; Belfast Voluntary Welfare Society; Northern Ireland Health and Personal Social Services Charitable Fund; Department of Health and Social Services, Northern Ireland; Northern Ireland Local Government Pension Fund; National University of Ireland Pension Fund. Answer; They all have shares in major British arms manufacturers (who, as CAAT, the Campaign Against Arms Trade in Britain says, have sold or currently sell weapons to countries in conflict, to repressive regimes, areas of tension and developmentally needy countries). Just thinking of the religious organisations, it sounds strictly in accord with Christian principles, doesn't it, after all that Christian/Jewish stuff about swords into ploughshares and putting away your sword, it's all purely symbolic and not meant to have any relevance to the real world. I mean, wouldn't Jesus have had arms investments if he lived today? In fact he might even be looking for a job in Raytheon or Thales Air Defence (the new name for Shorts Missile Systems). You can find out more about the above investments on CAAT's website at www.caat.demon.co.uk/clean.html

We're Not Going To The Zoo Tomorrow
Because we can't, it's closed with the foot and mouth scare, the outbreak of which has caused considerable pain to some animals and untold hysteria to human beings (not surprisingly in the case of Ireland and its reliance on agriculture even for, think of it, the drinks business - Baileys). It's another magnificent human-made (sic) disaster caused by modern agribusiness methods of shifting animals around like lambs to the slaughter, I mean bundles of product to be offloaded at the best price wherever even if that's to be transported legally and illegally over various borders. And a case of trying to close the staple (sic) door after the horse (which doesn't get it) and the sheep and cows have bolted. Obviously there are pressures on farmers everywhere but the 'cheap, subsidised' food policy of the EU could be thought of as part of the root of this particular evil (not to mention its effect on trade elsewhere). In fact the subsidised food encampment of the EU might also be thought of as the economic foundation of the political Fortress (Western) Europe which is now trying to solidify its world position of power and influence; discuss in not more than 1,500 words.

I Useta Lover in the Green and Red of Mayo on the N17 in her Red Cortina
Listening to a Saw Doctors album recently reminded me of a fascinating cultural difference of perception about how part of Irish culture can be seen. It's a conference story, somewhere in central western Europe I'd taken along a Saw Doctors album for dancing to, at the social evening. For me, the Saw Doctors are an original, lively and unpretentious band with a naturalistic and often wry-humorous approach to life, love, sex, unemployment and emigration, good craic, reflecting many of the concerns of people, particularly young people, in Ireland. Anyhow, on went the Saw Doctors album and a mixture of nationalities bopped some of the night away. End of story. But it wasn't. Some time later I was talking to someone from elsewhere who hadn't been there but who'd heard about the 'raunchy' music played for dancing! The Saw Doctors! For me 'raunchy' is overtly, in-your-face, intentionally sexual, intended to titillate - that was the Saw Doctors through other eyes. Oh well, cultural differences obviously managed to doctor how they saw it.

Super-Massive Black Holes
Did you see that television programme there a couple of months ago looking at super-massive back holes, how every galaxy has one, and how they probably played an essential role in the creation of the universe and matter as we know it. Pretty interesting stuff. Mind you, some of us could also tell you about super-massive black holes here on planet Earth and nearer still in Ireland where if you go into them you are unlikely to emerge again, at least for a number of hours and when you do you're likely to be looking considerably the worse for wear. They're called pubs, and as much a part of Irish culture as not going to mass or receiving brown paper envelopes if you're a politician or public servant with influence on planning. In fact they are a sacrosanct part of the craic-ed notion of Irish culture, hallowed temples to the god or, is that gangster, Al Cohol [steady on there, don't get so carried away with your own verbiage - Ed]. If alcohol hadn't become a central part of Irish culture and had in fact been banned until now, would anyone in their right mind want to unban it, given what we known about the effects of this vicious drug? And of the vested interests that exist to make money out of peddling it to all and sundry, no questions asked, no responsibility taken? Maybe we should bring in prohibition and let another crowd of gangsters make money from it. Meanwhile, I'm off to cry into a beer. [This whole column is small beer - Ed]

Additions and Subtractions
Ah, the joy of juggling (jugularing?) with words. Lisnaglevin shopping centre in the Waterside, Derry (and all those other names besides) currently advertises a small shelter in the middle of its car park with the title 'Troll ark'. OK, there have been some letters removed, five seconds to work out what it did say. Reminds me of a similar venture on a former shop front of the Child Evangelism Fellowship in Belfast which quickly became the Vandalism Fellowship. But it also takes me back the best part of thirty years or more to my home town where the local paper was horrified - or was it just going along with what was expected - to report on its front page (no less) a change made to an advance factory sign which had had said 'Ballytownville* Industrial Site'. ( * name of town changed to protect my origins and the innocent people who live there). I had to work out what had happened - just like you have to now. Clue; Only one letter was added. Second clue; It was the 8th letter of the alphabet. PS Please don't bother if you can't stand what are euphemistically called four letter words although in this case 5 letters. But we're not going to start a crossword puzzle, cross words are enough (as in 'cross community work' - Ed?)

Bill Posters Is Innocent But Locked Up Anyway
I previously advised readers not to, I repeat not to, take a large black marker and change the meaning of an Irish army recruitment posters from 'The Celtic Tiger Needs More Claws' to 'The Celtic Tiger Needs More Santa Claws'. Just to show my balance I now wanted to advise you not to, in any way, alter British army advertising posters in the North which promise untold riches to gullible young potential recruits. You should not, on any account, add the like of "B" or "You'd be B" before 'Army', or in any other way interfere with these solicitations for the modern equivalent of cannon fodder. You won't, will you? And while you're not doing that, of course you also will not dare to change anything else, e.g. adding a 'P' to 'Lottery' as in 'National Lottery' (nation states are a bit of a lottery for asylum seekers, aren't they?), or any other hadvertchastisements that appear about the place.

Jesus and the Moneychangers
I always remember the person in the workshop I was running who basically said Jesus shouldn't have driven the moneychangers from the temple because it gave peace a bad name among Christians. Personally I prefer to see it as a bit of nonviolent direct action (no, I don't have the Gene Sharp typology number!) and the result of right(eous) indignation. Of course there's a whole context to this in terms of who Jesus was and the fleecing of the customers going on in the name of religion (now that would never happen today, would it?????). But at least Christians can use it to indicate that meek and mild we ain't (speaking personally as a member of that not so merry band) - or if we are then we're doing it all wrong. Though why does it make me think of the question as to how the banks will get our money from us once the Euro comes in (the start of next year in the Republic and 'eur guess is as good as mine' in the North) and won't be changing currencies so much? But they surely will - in fact you can say you can bank on it, or should that be that they can bank on it…

Plus Ca Change…
....plus je ne comprends pas! Interesting when the Belly Tele ('Belfast Telegraph' to you, the 'National newspaper of Northern Ireland' - sic!) is bemoaning the fate of roads in Norn Iron compared to the rapid advance in the Republic, well specifically the Northern and Southern parts of the rocky road to Dublin from Belfast; the boot is on the other foot, or the tyre on the other road given that roads in the Wee North have been superior for a long time. The new motorway for 17k between Dundalk and Dunleer was finished 5 months ahead of schedule; what is the country coming to??? Mind you, from an environmental point of view whether this is a Good Thing is another matter given that the relative investment in public transport, North or South, is nothing to write or travel home about. God be with the days when pot holes were the talk of the Republic and all roads led to, well not necessarily Rome, but certainly a bumpy ride. Why, trying to find ancestral sites last visited twenty or thirty years ago is next to impossible because the crooked has been made straight and you haven't a clue where you are. One letter writer in the era of the Cold War (Ed definition - The conflict between US American and Russian superpowers and their respective ideologies; McDonalds won) said that Ireland had nothing to fear from a Russian invasion - the tanks would get bogged down in our potholes!

Roman Curiacity
Good luck to Ireland's new cardinal, Desmond Connell, Archbishop of Dublin. The era when any, except a very few, can actually envy the position of a Catholic bishop, archbishop or even cardinal in Ireland is certainly gone. There is a vast increase in secularism, anti-clericalism, and anti-churchism (which in the Republic tends to be anti-Catholic Churchism rather than anti-churchism per se because of its association in the Republic with the ancien regime before the Celtic Tiger and the fallout from all the clerical sex abuse scandals). To put too many of the country's ills at the door of the church, any church, can be simplistic when, for example, the Catholic Church's pronouncements on most social issues, e.g. poverty or asylum seekers, has been progressive for a number of decades and a hundred miles (not kilometres) ahead of the government and even further ahead of some Celtic Tiger fat cats. Sure, the issue of inter-communion is a real and painful one for some people, positions are different, but what did people expect Archbishop Connell to say? However there is one comment Desmond Connell made at the time of his installation as cardinal which I cannot leave unremarked. He said Ireland is only European because of Rome. It was a throwaway remark, perhaps, but maybe represented deeper thinking.

Highly Insulated
I have never been so insulated in my life. English comedian and now newspaper columnist Alexei 'Plain' Sayle was quoted as saying "The idea of a columnist is to take a single idea and stretch it like a piece of clingfilm till it covers their allotted space in a newspaper with an airless vacuum." I will have you know that the average Billy King column contains 23.7 puns (7.6 of them rather painful), 11.8 other humorous allusions, and 2.9 useful facts. In short it is simply essential reading. Besides, clingfilm is not a particularly environmentally friendly way to cover things. And I'm not at all in favour of vacuums because as people in Norn Iron know, political vacuums are dangerous since some people think in those circumstances that killing lots of people will make an impression on the political process (they are not necessarily wrong in its negative effect but it makes a bigger impression on the graveyards and families' broken hearts). But Sayle is definitively wrong in another aspect of what he says. This is a cyber column and so there is no newspaper to fill. So there. PS The house I live in is very well insulted since we had to get a new roof.

And that's it for another month. It's always good to get to the end of February because spring beckons, the crucuses/croci are croaking - and the personal finances are beginning to cover from the depredations of Christmas (if you're paid monthly then February, being short, is the best month of the year!). Ciao, au revoir agus slan - Billy (now that we're getting to know one another I'm dropping my surname from the signature, you don't mind do you?). See you same time, same place, next month.