Revolutionary new discovery has political implications for Northern Ireland:
Catholics and Protestants much closer in ethnic origins than previously believed by Karen de Sifearon

An exciting new revelation on the ethnic origin of Catholics and Protestants in Northern Ireland is set to cause major political developments, academics claimed last night. A multi-disciplinary team, the 'Poliseismic Discoveries Unit' attached to the Institute of Political Geography in Belfast, made its disclosures yesterday. The team - nicknamed 'The search" - consists of nineteen academics, about half of them full time, with both local and international personnel. The team is headed by Prof. Pete 'Peas' Warren who said "We are simply astounded. We have been working on this project for five years and despite our initial hypothesis we never believed our conclusions could be so clear cut, so incontrovertible. We are over the moon."

Asked about the secrecy surrounding the project, Prof. Warren rebutted claims that the project had been run in total secrecy. He preferred to say its existence was simply not broadcast about the place which, he maintains, is different from being secret. "Of course what we were dealing with was sensitive and even potentially explosive. We had to be careful. But our results more than justified the way we went about things." Some local academics, when asked last night about the Institute of Political Geography, seemed either unaware of even its existence or else were vague as to what they knew.

The multi-disciplinary team who have engaged in the research has been composed of historians, anthropologists, biochemists and medical researchers among others. Prof. Warren's deputy is from the USA, Lt Col. Chris Ombus. Two brothers from Northern Ireland, Jimmie and Billy King [no relation to the compiler of this column - Ed], the latter seconded from the Royal College of Military History, are part of the team. "I cannot praise everyone on the team enough for their loyalty and devotion to duty. They have pulled together as one. Particularly I would like to single out my deputy, Lt Col Ombus, for heading where no one else dared to go, he has been magnificent" said Prof Warren.

A political scientist who is part of the team, Dr Amy Cable, discussed the ramifications last night. "We don't think the effect will be immediate", she said, "but when it begins to sink in to people that their origins are actually much closer than they thought, well, there has to be a political repercussion. What we would expect is the development of what has been termed colloquially 'cousin politics', i.e. an appreciation of the other, be that Protestant or Catholic, as part of the same family and therefore someone to be respected and supported. This could have radical implications for the face of Northern Irish politics within a decade or so. It is likely that those resisting 'cousin politics' will suffer severely at the polls and this will in turn reinforce the change."

Quizzed as to what was different about this research, Dr Cable said "Previous theories have been tendentious, and either partly true or simply lost in the mists of time. Yes, some Protestants have Gaelic surnames and may have had Gaelic speaking ancestors. Yes, many Catholics have surnames of Anglo-Saxon origin. What you make of a story like the Cruthin is purely a matter of personal choice or fantasy. But what we have come up with no one can deny or gainsay, that is what is different about it."

Independent academics, when questioned last night, were slightly sceptical of the claims from the Institute of Political Geography but the conclusion seems to be, nevertheless, that there has been a remarkable breakthrough. A political scientist at the University of Ulster, who did not wish to be named, stated: "I have to give credit where credit is due and admit they've done it. It's quite incredible. I haven't seen all the details yet and I'm going partly on academic gossip, it has been on the grapevine for a few years now, so much so that it has been hard to distinguish fact from fiction. But I nevertheless reckon their work will go down not just as some of the finest multi-disciplinary work done here ever but it will also substantially alter the very nature of how politics is practised. It is going to be a very exciting time."

Politicians meanwhile were reluctant to be drawn on the matter - 'wait and see' seemed to be the attitude. Unusually for Northern Ireland, where politicians are usually fast to react, it looks like they are unwilling to throw cold water on the research in case it could boil up later and scald them later. But it did seem one or two representatives of what might be termed 'tribal politics', from either side, were somewhat uneasy at developments, if the vagueness and disjointed nature of their replies is anything to go by.

Finally, what was the discovery? Back to Prof. Warren; "Both Catholics and Protestants are undoubtedly part of the same genus, home sapiens," he said. "We have incontrovertible proof of that." It does look like life in Northern Ireland will not be the same again and that a radical change for the better is on the cards.

Well, as I said, after that amazing news (as the person said when they got out the maze they'd been stuck in for ten years and heard the Gulf War was over)., And so it's back to normal service here with Billy 'Boy' King, just to distinguish myself from the aforementioned Billy King who, as the Editor kindly stated, is no relation (that I know of),

For peat's sake
'You can take the man from the bog but you can't take the bog from the man' goes a city slicker/jackeen saying about those from the country. My childhood home happened to be near a BIG bog. On my travels I would pick up hitchhikers and a decade or so ago gave a young women of about twenty years old a lift into Drogheda from a bit further north. Why I remember this at all is that she apologised for her "bogger" accent; it still seems to me so sad that an intelligent and attractive young person could apologise to a stranger for the way they talked since that was part of what they were, part of the genuine authentication mark which they had, not something which had to be apologised for because it wasn't fashionable or fancy by urban(e) standards.

But as Ireland has gradually been discovering the unique nature of its bogland, and conservation efforts progress - partly thanks to the EU (now it's not often you'll hear that from me) and others internationally - I find it difficult to get away from the old ways of thinking. Yes, intellectually I know about the varieties of bogland, the uniqueness of the hatibat (sic), the flora and fauna that they support. But my father was someone when he wanted a load of 'turf mould' (as turf or peat was known when loose and suitable for gardening/horticulture) - just took a trailer to the bog and filled it. The owner of the bog might have got a bottle of whiskey at Christmas, or some such, but the peat had next to no monetary value.

And I, the urban gardener not living near a bog, find it difficult to look for and buy the non-peat based multi-purpose compost in the garden centre, particularly when it is almost twice the price of the commoner peat based stuff. So maybe we should be thankful that peat-based composts will be gradually phased out so that the biggest threat to bogland recedes rather than the bog.

Meanwhile my favourite archeological site is the Céide Fields in north Mayo, where the field patterns have been preserved for four millennia by the fact the bog grew over them. So it somewhat surprised locals cutting their turf to find walls a couple of metres below the surface! And these people lived a peaceful settled existence four thousand years ago. And we wouldn't have known anything about them if it hadn't been for the bog. There's nothing bog standard about that, or is that a boggist thing to say? (Bog off - Ed)

It's only words
Some advice to the USA (US media please copy). Please be careful about the terms you use or you'll be giving people ideas about democracy, human rights and non-violence. I always remember the guy from Central America speaking about the service the USA did to democracy in Central and South America during the Second World War. What, you may ask, was the USA assisting liberation struggles against dictatorship? Not a bit of it. But in the portrayal of the evils of Nazism, in the USA's war propaganda, Central and South Americans saw their regimes depicted and thus could be conscientised as to the evil in their midst (those regimes backed to the hilt, as it happened, by the USA).

But all this talk of an 'axis of evil' , 'rogue states' and so on could do a similar trick. Except that this time part of the evil will be located fairly and squarely in the USA itself. Who is responsible for the death of Iraqi children through sanctions? Whose military backed the use of nuclear weapons in the 1950s and now are looking to develop new nuclear weapons more suited for hitting targets in Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Syria and Libya? Colin Powell, US Secretary of State, denies plans for new testing or weapons development but the leaked Pentagon study's recommendation have not, to my knowledge, been denied.

Condoleezza Rice, White House security advisor said; "There are nations out there developing weapons of mass destruction and prudent planners have to give some consideration as to the range of options the President should have available to him to deal with those kind of threats." How true. The Presidents of the above-mentioned countries, among others, are I am sure considering their options as the USA develops more and more sophisticated weapons of mass destruction. And the rest of us look forward to nuclear exchanges with great fervour (Ah, now I get it, maybe Bush's rejection of Kyoto and plans to cut global warming make sense after all and he has his own plan to combat global warming; produce a nuclear winter instead). And is Tony Blurr really going to continue to back Bush as he goes for wilder US ambitions of destroying the Saddam Hussein regime in Iraq? Given Tony's actions to date, and despite certain Labour revolt in Britain if he did, I wouldn't put it past him. Meanwhile Bertie Ahernia is so understanding of Bush - he'll only take action if he has to, said Bertie. Famous last words. Maybe Bertie is losing his marbles as well as all the referendums he touches.

If music be the food of history
The Headitor informs me he is working on a musical history of Ireland for the War Resisters Triennial conference in August in Dublin, i.e. a presentation on Irish history and culture using music and ballads. I asked him who he's using and he gave me a sort-of-historical-chronological list; Horslips (The Tain), Enya (Celts theme), Christy Moore (St Brendan), The Chieftains (Lily Bolero and the White Cockade), Bobby Hanvey (On Boyne's Red Shore), Gráinne Yeats (harp music from 1792 harp festival), John Field (Nocturne), Jimmie Crowley (Bantry Girls' Lament), Sinead O'Connor (There was no famine), Paddy Reilly (The Fields of Athenry), De Dannan (I'm leaving Tipperary), 'a loyalist band' (The Sash), Joni Mitchell and the Chieftains (The Magdalene Laundries), the Dubliners or Paddy Reilly (The Crack was Ninety in the Isle of Man), the Saw Doctors (I used to love her), the Dubliners (The Irish Navy), Tommy Sands (There were roses), Alanna O'Kelly (One breath), Dolores Keane (The Island), Christy Moore again (The Siren's Song), Tommy Sands again (Daughters and Sons) and the Pogues (Broad Majestic Shannon). It will all be interspersed with historical and cultural commentary. Sounds like fun. We got to talking about other bands and the subject of the Wolfe Tones breaking up was mentioned; "Ah, the good old strategy of the armalite and the ballad", quoth he. That's not fair, it's meant to be me what comes up with the puns around here. Sure you're gluttons for pun-ishment to even read this column.

Mine's a 99
It's the era of à la carte Catholicism/Protestantism/New Age-ism etc. Not only has the mighty and powerful edifice of Christendom come crashing to the ground or at least positioned in mid-air (thank God - now Christians are being freed from the shackles of the idolatry of power) but pick and mix is the order of the day. The latter is a change but I think in days of yore most people were just afraid to express their minds and the 'in their heart of hearts' mix was much more varied than was visible. As it is, and as the current Furlong controversy in the (Anglican) Church of Ireland shows (a senior cleric dismissing the deity of Christ etc) the conflict between orthodoxy and openness is a difficult one. Where and how do and should belief systems draw the line? Discuss in not more than ten million words.

But you get some pretty weird religious beliefs around, even for those of us who don't believe all religious beliefs are weird. Take numerology or whatever it's called, you start with 666, the Number of the Beast in the Christian bible and then prove via 6th letters of 6th words, or whatever, that the world is about to end, QED, no argument (despite the fact that such arguments have proved to be without foundation 666 x 666 times in the last century). Or take cargo cults in the Pacific or the belief that tithing will make you rich because God will reward you (another cargo cult). But, undeterred, I have decided to introduce another religious belief system to an unsuspecting world.

It's the cult of the traffic cone. They appear mysteriously, and what's even extremely spooky, in and around houses where they're not supposed to be at all. They're enigmatic and have little to say for themselves. They're kind of cute and charming in their own way and they're definitely aerodynamic. They have a simplicity about them which is captivating., and they don't go in for displays of wealth and difference. They help keep us safe. They make their presence felt gently as we walk on the footpath past a big trench, or on the main road or motorway past roadworks. So they're kind of omnipresent but gentle about it. In fact I think they have all the qualities needed to be a least minor deities. So, 'Hail to the traffic cone! Don't work your fingers to the bone! Meditate on a traffic cone! Don't rest in guilt and dread! Watch that traffic cone instead'.....and so on. Full liturgies will take a while to come. Maybe the priesthood (to be developed) will dress a bit like Daleks, only friendlier.

PS What has most inspired me to develop the cult of the traffic cone, sorry, Traffic Cone with capital letters, is the way they appear mysteriously in and around our house for no apparent reason and without anyone obviously having brought them.

I have however noticed a correlation between Their appearance and teenage or student parties held here and have developed the hypothesis that maybe They feel drawn to the presence of young people. This is as far as I have got with my thinking.

A Margarita with extra cheese
Do people really stop and think before they name places with stupid sounding upmarket names (even our ancestors were at it - think of your Ailesbury and Shrewsbury Roads in Dublin - and think of the 10 million Euros you might need to fork out for one of them!). A recent 'apartment' development in Belfast, in Adelaide Street, is called 'Margarita Plaza'. From a distance the hoarding seems to advertise 'Margarita Pizza', and the similarity is so resounding that you wonder did they do it deliberately. And it doesn't even look like, or be near, a 'plaza' or main square. But it also reminds me of the old RUC recruitment advertisement on TV where they used the music from Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries' just some few years after it had been used in 'Apocalypse Now!' as the music that the helicopter gunships went massacring to! Nul points to the advertising agency. The other difficulty that I would have with Maragarita Plaza is that it's slap bang in the middle of Belfast's night time red light area where some women stand around about betimes and cars with lone male drivers seem to be taking a lot of trips through the side streets, so that being a woman there late at night doesn't feel too appealing. Coincidentally in fact, as I was passing through Adelaide Street late one night on a bicycle, a young woman addressed some remarks to me, maybe given what she said I should have stopped and given her the name of a local cycle club or equestrian centre.

In a Monocultural Sectarian State
Well, Daithi Trimble was certainly in a monocultural sectarian state when he accused the Republic of being "pathetic, sectarian, mono-ethnic, mono-cultural" and contrasted it with the UK which he said was "a vibrant multi-ethnic, multinational liberal democracy" (well, our British-based readers will be wondering which drug he has been taking or which foot he drugs with, particularly on the 'vibrant' bit, the rest could be argued fair enough). Has he taken a walk around Dublin recently - or Galway, or Letterkenny or any number of other towns and cities south of the border? I don't think so. Ireland is lucky to have had two 'cultures' intermingling to begin with, the Gaelic Irish and the Hiberno-English. But with new waves of immigration it is simply laughable to portray the Republic as mono-cultural. There are plenty of things he could rightly accuse the Republic of. Rampant capitalism is one with a conservative political ethos. The biggest division of wealth in western Europe, more akin to the USA, is another. Racism and xenophobia by some people, yes. Social and health services which have a lot of catching up is yet another. But in all of these, except partly for the last, he could also be talking about Norn Iron which treasures so much the great multi-cultural nature of the UK - that's a joke for a start.

There's also the old joke that "We interrupt the Taoiseach's refutation that the Republic is a sectarian state to bring you the Angelus" - which is played on RTE. But multi-culturalism and ecumenism - in the widest sense - doesn't necessarily mean that all symbols and signs of one particular religious group are erased - rather that a pluralist approach is used (other religious festivals are marked). What can the Angelus possibly symbolise of Catholic domination now?

There has undoubtedly been sectarianism in the Republic. But a time when a proposal backed by the government and the largest church was rejected by the people (the last abortion referendum) is hardly a time to proclaim the South's sectarianism. And a certain amount of the sectarianism that did exist was to do with the state of the churches rather than the state of the state - even if the 'Mother and Child' scheme (1951) will forever be written large in a history of state sectarianism in the Republic (an early welfare state proposal the Catholic hierarchy saw as dangerous). What was particularly dangerous, and it is debateable about whether you label it as sectarian or a product of sectarianism, is the handover by the state of running a whole variety of institutions to the church; schools, hospitals in some cases, 'industrial schools' and institutions like the Magdalene Laundries. Yes, the state was an impoverished one but the controls which were meant to exist were not properly exercised so that even when abuses came to light, as with some of the industrial schools, no proper action was taken by the state. For the state, as for the public, it seemed to be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind', and there was immense suffering as a result.

The decline in the number of Prods in the Republic is often used by some unionists and loyalists as a stick to beat the southern state, Some of that decline was certainly to do with the Catholic Church's Ne Temere decree (1907 if my memory serves me correctly) (what, sure you must have been only a toddler then - Ed) which forced Catholic-Protestant marriages to bring children up as Catholics, whatever parents wished. But that is in the past and was nothing substantially to do with the state.

Prod numbers are now down to 3 - 4% from 10% at the foundation of the state. Why? A lot of Prods who identified with, or depended financially on, the British state left very rapidly after partition. That was in the nature of their identity. Of course there were attacks on 'big houses' at the start of the 1920s and so on but that doesn't make it a pogrom and again it wasn't the state acting. Protestant numbers probably halved very rapidly (the percentage is now stable).

More Prods who identified with Britain fought in the Second World War and settled in Britain or the North afterwards. With a higher standard of living in general, Prods also emigrated to maintain that when the odds were no longer in their favour.

I contrast the two sides of my family, both Southern Protestant. My father was the only one of his siblings to remain in the Republic because he went into the family business (such as it was, not much) and all the rest had nothing to keep them and eventually ended up in Belfast or Britain having fought in the British forces, though some worked for a while in Dublin. My mother and her siblings , on the other hand, all remained in the South because there was a vibrant family business to maintain them, and which they maintained. This difference between the two sides of my family had nothing to do with sectarianism and everything to do with economics, though also, to a certain extent, identification with Britain.

Criticism of the Republic, yes please. But at least get it right. And how fitting Trimbles's remarks should have been made to the Ulster Unionist Party (of which he is leader) which still has the Orange Order, dedicated to particular forms of Protestantism and Britishness, as an integral party of the party's structure. If there was a similar structure to a party in the Republic, with a section dedicated to the promotion of Catholicism and Irishness, it would be laughed out of court.

Well, I'll call it a day for another month, or is that a month for another day, anyhow I'll call it time to hang up the word processor (do you mean 'weird processor? And about time too - Ed) for another few weeks. So bye for now. 

Your scribbling scribe,